11/24/2011

Touching Lives: 5 Things a Therapist is Thankful For

by John

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.   Brian Tracy

So Much Pain, So Little Time

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a therapist? I’m going to tell it to you straight. Helping people can be wonderful, but it can also be frustrating sometimes. The efforts of a therapist are sometimes accepted and even embraced, but they’re also resisted and even rejected.

With the privilege of witnessing incredible breakthroughs comes the probability of wading through intense suffering. As much as I love my work, there are moments when it seems that there’s little to be thankful for.

I spent this Thanksgiving in the company of people who are suffering right now. As I considered the things I’m thankful for this year, their experiences altered my perspective.

5 Things I’m Thankful For

1. Loving Relationships – I’m reminded every day of how thankful I am to have grown up in a home where I was treated with dignity and respect, a place where I was protected from the potentially soul-damaging influence of a rough neighborhood and where I was taught to provide a similar safe haven for the next generation. Was my family perfect in every way? Of course not, but beneath our imperfections there was an undeniable love for each other that guided us through difficult times.

Now, when I open my front door, I walk into a world of love and laughter, a place where a beautiful woman and a few amazing kids share their lives with me. Do we have our disagreements? Sure we do, but our struggles are rare in frequency, short in duration, low in intensity and invariably end with forgiveness and growth. As a therapist, I’m reminded every day that many struggle for a rare moment of  joy in their relationships that I experience with those I love every day.

2. Lessons Learned – I’m thankful for the guy I used to be (he really was a nice kid) who actually paid attention a few times when caring mentors shared their wisdom. I’m thankful for the thoughtful decisions made by the boy I was back then that continue to bless the man I am right now and for the lessons I learned from mistakes made long ago that keep me from going through it all again. I’m reminded every day that there are many who learn slowly and suffer far too long.

3. Mental Clarity – I’m thankful for a clear mind which allows me to appreciate the beauty all around me, including an awareness of the the inherent goodness of my fellow human beings, even when they’re not at their best. I give thanks for every day of freedom from the crushing effects of addiction and mental illness.

When I look in the mirror, it’s always comforting to find that the lights are still on in the eyes of the guy looking back at me. Do I make mental mistakes sometimes? Absolutely, but I admit them quickly and adjust accordingly. I’m reminded every day that many go through life feeling lost and confused, refusing to change their minds or their actions.

4. Life Outside Myself – I’m thankful for the chance I have every day to lift people who have fallen down and can’t get up on their own, to bring them a little more joy and peace in their time of crisis. I also love to associate with colleagues who share a commitment to serving those who struggle. Am I capable of being annoying and even hurtful? Sure I am, but I spend most of my time practicing being nice. Maybe someday I’ll be really good at it.

As it turns out, helping others helps me too. Among other things, it keeps me from getting sucked into the vortex of my own self-pity, and it reminds me of my own need for self-improvement. The fact that I’m actually paid to serve others is a tasty little layer of frosting on an already delicious cake. I’m reminded every day that many are so attached to their own suffering that they become disconnected from others.

5. Divine Assistance – Most of all, I’m thankful for a loving God who has provided me with everything good in my life, including the desire to do something meaningful with that life. As wonderful as I may seem to some (wait for the humility, it’s coming), without the help of something or someone much bigger and better than me, I believe that I would be incapable of making a lasting difference for good in this world (no offense to me, none taken).

In those pivotal moments when something profound needs to be said or done, I’m often at a loss for words or actions. That’s when divine inspiration fills in the blanks and lives are changed, especially my own. I’m reminded every day that many face their challenges alone, without any awareness of the true Source of their strength.

Do you know what gets a therapist through the tough times? It’s knowing that these gifts are available to everyone. I’ve seen too many tragedies turn into triumphs to lose hope in people. Burned bridges can be rebuilt. Lines of communication can be reopened, and the light can shine again in a cloudy mind. If I thought that such miracles were impossible, I would choose a different line of work.

How have the challenges of others helped you become more thankful?

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10/05/2011

When Chinchillas Attack: How to Respond When Others Chew on You

by John

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.   Mahatma Ghandi

There’s a large object partially covered with a decorative blanket in the corner of our living room farthest from the front door. Under the blanket, there lives a creature with gray hair and dark eyes, similar to the little fuzzball in the image above.

I know what you’re thinking. How cute!

You want to reach out and touch it, don’t you?

That’s what all the children who come to visit us want to do. They want to hold her close, run their fingers through her soft fur and feel the gentle touch of her little hands on their skin. That’s what leads them to stick their fingers into the cage.

I know what you’re thinking now. Oh no!

You think I should stop them, right?

Imagine my sinister laugh. Do you think I’m cruel? I assure you that I’m not. You see, I know a few things about our furry little friend that our unsuspecting young guests don’t. Based on that knowledge, I let them stick their fingers in the cage.

Here’s what I know about our chinchilla -

First, she almost always bites.

That’s why the children usually squeal and jump away from the cage a few seconds after their fingers go in.

Second, she never bites hard.

That’s why they always laugh and go back to the cage once they make sure that their fingers are all still there.

Third, everything else about her is soft.

That’s why they love her so much, even after they’ve been bitten.

In reality, when our chinchilla bites your fingers, it’s a sign that she likes you. If she doesn’t like you, she just hides. Her little bites let her know what you’re made of. If you simply hold still, you find a friend. It helps your hand stay steady if you know what her nibbles really mean.

Humans Beings Have Been Known to Bite Too

Relationships can be hard sometimes. We too often set fires next to the bridges between us and the ones we love. When we’re the ones being criticized, there are things we can do to settle things down.

1. Be still.

It’s natural to get frustrated when someone you love is riding you like a rented mule, but that doesn’t mean you have to get jumpy or bite back. It really is possible to feel the frustration without letting it control your response. When someone is on your case, your stillness can reduce the anxiety in the room before you even say anything.

To be still in difficult situations, you’ll need to develop your capacity to accept suffering as a part of life, to challenge your own version of reality and to remain true to your core values even when you feel like abandoning them. These skills make it easier to take criticism calmly.

2. Be curious.

It’s tempting to think that those who criticize us don’t care about us, or even hate us, but that’s almost never true. In fact, their intensity, even when directed in unproductive ways, may actually be a sign of how much they actually do care about us after all.

Consider alternative interpretations of the behavior you see. Your accuser may be testing you to see if you’ll love them even when they’re not particularly lovable. They may want to know if you’re willing to validate their legitimate concerns or make reasonable changes. They may also want to see if you can be strong for them when they feel weak. Or, they may want to see if you’re really as nice as you seem, even in challenging circumstances.

In each of these cases, a harsh response will only add to the doubts people have about you. You don’t have to figure out why they’re upset. Just know that their motives may be more reasonable than they seem on the surface. If you’re open to a reality beyond the obvious, you may find that they didn’t bite you as hard as you initially believed.

3. Be fair.

Keep things in perspective. Don’t let the ugliness of a moment distract you from the beauty of a whole life. A difficult moment doesn’t have to ruin a day. A bad day doesn’t define a whole week, let alone an entire life. When others tempt you to reject them, remember why you loved them in the first place, and choose to see them that way again. People are usually much softer than they seem when they bite.

The words “always” and “never” almost never apply to human beings. The strongest among us make mistakes. The weakest will experience some success. High anxiety tends to lead us to think of others in extremes (blessed or cursed, brilliant or stupid, good or evil). Whether we put people on a pedestal or kick them to the curb, we deny the reality of who we are. When you find the way you see people drifting in either direction, gently return to a more balanced point of view. When in doubt, err on the bright side.

When people are down, they need a chance to stand up again. When they struggle, they need the benefit of a doubt. You can let go of resentment without receiving an apology from a person who has treated you unfairly. Even when you don’t trust them, you can find the strength to forgive.

What have you found helpful when people criticize you?

Note: These suggestions don’t apply in cases of genuine cruelty and actual abuse. Sometimes, people really do go to extremes. In such cases, do whatever you have to do to be safe.

Posted in courage, family, friendship, humility, kindness, love, marriage, personal development, relationships, trust, wisdom | 1 Comment »

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09/27/2011

Love in a Box of Rocks: How to Create Meaningful Memories with Those You Love

by John

Love the moment and the energy of the moment will spread beyond all boundaries.   Corita Kent

Look What I Found

As I was cleaning out a bedroom closet the other day, I found an old box hidden behind some clothes on a shelf. I didn’t get much cleaning done once I opened it. In the box, I found a bunch of rocks. Amazing, right?!

I should mention that these weren’t your average run-of-the-mill rocks. I immediately recognized the shiny specimens of quartz, jasper and petrified wood. What I had rediscovered was the rock collection of a woman who used to insist that we call her “Tillie” (because she thought that the title, “Grandma,” made her sound old). Tillie started collecting those rocks as a young girl growing up in Idaho, and she added a few little pieces from time to time for the rest of her life.

I can remember feeling the bumpy “skin” of the snake agate she had found years earlier near her home in Southeastern Idaho. We tried to count all the white dots in the snowflake obsidian from Southern Utah, and I was hypnotized by the bright colors of the garnets from Nevada, the pink agate she picked up in South Dakota and the bright, blue howlite she found on the ground in California.

Of course, my favorite was the light brown coprolite (fossilized animal dung) from Washington state. To the little boy I was when Tillie first explained it to me, the thought of a small creature doing his business thousands of years ago and having it eventually turn to stone was just plain fascinating. To the grown man I have become, it still brings a big smile to my face.

A Gift that Gives Forever

Meaningful memories are pleasant pastimes at least. At most, they can have a profound influence on the way we think and feel about ourselves and others and life in general. More importantly, the memory of a single event, no matter how simple it may have seemed at the time, can change the way we live our lives for years, and even decades, down the road. Here are three things you can do to create meaningful memories with those you love.

1. Learn to enjoy what they love to do.

When was the last time you played games in the basement with your son? How often do you text your daughter? Are you willing to watch a football game with your husband or a heart-warming movie with your wife? Just make sure that when you engage in their favorite activities you really get into it. Get good enough to give him a run for his money. Text her an abbreviation she has to look up. Give him a high five when his team scores a touchdown. Hold her hand during the scene when love conquers all.

2. Teach them to enjoy what you love to do.

How often to you enjoy your favorite hobbies or pastimes alone? It’s obviously not a good idea to demand that others participate, but there’s nothing wrong with an occasional invitation. Don’t let your assumption that they’re not interested stop you. You might be surprised how willing they are to try something new, even if it’s just to spend a little more time with you. Of course, the best time to involve others in your favorite activities is when you’re mature enough not to micro-manage their experience and they’re young enough to be curious about everything, or small enough to carry with you when they’re not (Just kidding, but not really).

3. Enjoy whatever you do when you’re with them.

Continually remind yourself that every moment can be one that lasts a lifetime to you and someone you love. Such moments will matter to both of you for a long time after one of you is gone. I can think of many moments in my life that made a difference to me while I was engaged in activities that were boring, tedious or downright difficult. Whether you’re doing homework with one of your children, painting a bathroom with your spouse or trimming rose bushes with your dad, treat it as if it’s the last time you’ll ever see them again in this life. Doing it that way will add to the enjoyment of seeing them again and bring peace in the rare event that you don’t.

I used to think it was so cool to walk where famous movie stars had been, or read a letter written by a popular historical figure or get an autograph from a legendary football coach. Right now, I’m holding a very old piece of animal dung, and I can’t think of anything money can buy that I would trade it for. Just knowing that a farm girl I once knew saw some value in it and left it for me when she died makes it more precious than any diamond or a bucket full of gold.

As luck would have it, I have a whole box full of rocks like that. Their magic is in the way they remind me of the curiosity and wonder that once came so naturally to me, childlike qualities reawakened in me again right now. These small stones also remind me what it was like to be loved unconditionally by a woman who is no longer visible but very much alive.

Tell me about one of your happiest memories and how it has changed your life for good.

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09/22/2011

Playing for a Cure: How Imagination Can Change Reality

by John

Vision is the art of seeing things invisible.   Jonathan Swift

It sometimes seems that kids these days have lost touch with reality. They seem to be living in La-La Land, continually texting, tweeting and gaming. What good can possibly come from any of that, right?

Gamers to the Rescue

When you saw the words, “playing for a cure,” in the title of this post, did you think I was talking about a playathon to raise money for research? Maybe you imagined world-class athletes playing their chosen sports and donating large portions of their salaries to a good cause. Perhaps you thought I was talking about a famous band playing their music and contributing the proceeds from concert ticket sales to charity. Or, perhaps you thought I simply misspelled the word “praying.”

Believe it or not, I was actually referring to those seemingly disengaged people who spend much of their time playing games online. That’s right. The very same people who drive imaginary race cars and shoot at imaginary monsters in their basements can change the world for the better after all.

Case in point: Scientists have spent decades looking for better ways to destroy retroviruses, like HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. To do that, they need to see the intricate structure of the proteins the viruses are made of. Needless to say, that’s not very easy. Even the most powerful microscopes don’t provide enough detail, and that’s where the gamers come in.

A few years ago, a professor at the University of Washington wanted to see if human intuition could do what science alone had been unable to do. He decided to create a game in which competing groups of gamers could actually use online tools to unfold chains of amino acids, the building blocks of proteins.

Earlier this year, people started playing the game. In three weeks, those gamers produced an accurate model of an enzyme, solving a mystery that scientists had been working on for over a decade. This achievement has opened the door to the possibility of a whole new generation of life-saving drugs.

Bring Your Vision to Life

So, what can we learn from this story? Maybe we should let our kids play games all day! No, that’s not it.

For me, gamers helping scientists discover a cure for AIDS is a lesson in bridging the gap between imagination and reality. Here are three things you can do to use the creative forces inside of you to change the world around you.

1. Cultivate a Vivid Imagination

Imagination is a skill that can be developed. When we were children, it came naturally to us. We pretended to be cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, or our dolls’ mommies. I don’t know about you, but I really got into it (I even played with dolls a couple of times). When my mom called me home for dinner and the realization hit me that play time was really over, it often felt like having cold water poured on my head while I was sleeping.

Do you remember what it was like to get lost in a daydream? Maybe you should revive your innate ability to dream in detail again. If you’re going to pretend, you might as well do it right, like you did when you were a kid. Take your time, and engage all of your senses.

When you walk along an imaginary beach, feel of the soft sand under your feet, smell the ocean and see the sun setting on the horizon. When you think of a loved one who lives far away, hear them laughing, feel their hand on your shoulder and watch them doing something they enjoy.

2. Dream of Doing Extraordinary Things

Always remember that a vivid imagination can hurt just as much as it can help. When you dream of doing harm, you have already done it. Your ability to imagine is powerful. It changes you long before it changes the world around you. Make sure that you use it for good.

One of the best ways you can use your imagination is to dream of doing things that really matter. You might think that your ability to make a difference is limited. After all, you’re only a Sunday School teacher, a part-time volunteer or a stay-at-home mom. What can an ordinary person like you possibly do to change the world?

Somewhere inside of you, there’s at least one very good answer to that question. Neither of us has time right now for me to tell you all the stories from off the top of my head about otherwise ordinary people who have done extraordinary things.

You obviously don’t have to be a famous author, a brain surgeon or a corporate CEO to be a force for good in the world. Just imagine yourself becoming a more inspired version of the person you already are.

3. Make Your Dreams Come True

Dreams that never come true in any way may matter little more than the games we play for fun. To make them truly meaningful, you have to find a way to make them real. Once you have clearly imagined doing something great, the only thing left to do is to do it. Even a simple shift in attitude is a little dream come true.

Making your dreams come true doesn’t mean that everything has to turn out exactly as you envisioned it. It’s OK to adjust your dreams as you go. The key is to continually find ways to bring your vision to life. Whatever challenges you may face, you can always do something that more clearly reflects your brightest hopes.

What have you done lately to bring your vision to life?

How has your vision already changed the world around you?

For more about the gamers who helped scientists find a breakthrough, read the story at Yahoo News Canada –
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/online-gamers-crack-aids-enzyme-puzzle-175427367.html

Posted in community, joy, peace, personal development, relationships, society | Leave a Comment »

04/11/2011

Be Like Uncle Elmer: 3 Ways to Influence Millions without Fame or Furtune

by John

As his name suggests, Elmer Adelbert Giggey was born out in the country and back in the day. Most people will never hear of him. As much as I always liked him, I admit that just about everything I know about him, I learned at his funeral a few days ago. I know it’s not as poetic as, “Be Like Mike” or “We Like Ike,” but I think that being like my Uncle Elmer is a great way to be, and I’ll tell you why.

The Amazing Mr. Giggey

His story may seem unremarkable. He grew up during the Great Depression and served his country in World War II. He saved lives in battle and helped win peace and freedom for thousands more. When he returned, he married a young woman and drove a bread truck during those years they raised six children together. When the children were grown, he and his first wife parted ways.

He later married my aunt and welcomed her six children into his life. He treated that second set of six as if they had been his all along. He ran a construction company during those years and saved up enough money to buy a motor home for family road trips in the mountains.

He fished and hunted with his children, spending hours in their company while rarely catching or killing anything. As the last of his younger children left home, he retired and lived out his days among family and friends, demonstrating incredible strength amid suffering in the end.

He was a man with a quiet sense of humor who convinced his children that jackelopes were real and that tapioca pudding was actually made with frogs’ eggs. He told stories about discovering Spanish gold and spoke of imaginary characters, like Hard Hat Harry and Indian Bill, as if he knew them personally.

In the earlier years, on those Saturday nights at the ends of long weeks driving the bread truck, he would stay up and watch Jackie Gleason with one of his daughters. Children from his second marriage would later protest when he insisted on watching Hee Haw instead of Happy Days, and they were mortified when he occasionally dropped them off at school in the family motor home.

Once while a daughter wept, he quietly comforted her and withheld a few simple sentences of advice until she asked. When a son stole a roll of tape from the local store, Elmer taught him a better way without getting preachy, sending him back to the scene of the crime with enough money to pay extra and the courage to apologize. Uncle Elmer grew up in a time when the words, “I love you,” were rarely spoken, but he spoke them often to those he loved anyway.

One son was there when Elmer asked a client for payment on a construction job. The client reacted with ugly words before storming off. Uncle Elmer remained silent. When the man was gone, the boy asked his father why he didn’t say anything. Elmer replied, “It’s all right. He’s having a hard time right now.” His son was surprised when the man returned to apologize for his behavior and to pay Uncle Elmer even more than he owed.

The Width and Depth of Influence

A few people on this planet will touch millions of lives while they’re here. A select few may actually leave a legacy that goes on for a few years after they’re gone. As wonderful as they may be, even the most wealthy and well-known will eventually be forgotten by most of us, many of them while they’re still alive. As far and wide as our influence may spread, it will be short-lived if it doesn’t also penetrate deep into the hearts and minds of those who know us.

Here are three ways to influence others deeply (and widely too):

1. Live a wonderful life.

Learn to be balanced in the way you live your life. Notice the things you love while being open to even bigger and better things to come. Be true to your core values and willing to change your behavior as needed. Develop discipline while sustaining spontaneity. Be serious sometimes and have fun too. Learn when to speak up and when to be silent and simply listen.

2. Share your life with others.

Look for ways to make a difference for good in the lives of others. Be willing to make commitments to people and keep them. See the best in yourself and others, especially when no one else can. Be willing to open your heart and mind to other perspectives, to both suffer and celebrate with people. Learn to apologize and forgive quickly.

You don’t have to do anything fancy to make a difference in people’s lives. By small and simple means, you can make miracles happen over time. Remember that the most powerful influence you’ll ever have will be in the life of a child.

3. Tell your story like it is.

Tell people about yourself. Be open and honest about both your challenges and triumphs, without imposing upon those unable or unwilling to listen. Take responsibility for your setbacks and show gratitude for the contributions of others to your success. Keep a written record of your life as you go, and leave it for others to read and remember you whenever they’re ready.

A few hundred years from now, the grandchildren of Elmer Adelbert Giggey, along with the descendants of those he saved and served during his wonderful life, will number well into the millions. For generations to come, they will learn life-changing lessons from this gentle and noble soul, a man who most of them will never know in this life. Whether they remember his name or not, their lives will be better because he once lived.

A few dozen people attended Uncle Elmer’s funeral the other day. What mattered far more than the number of those paying their respects was the quality of love they felt for him. He was never rich or famous, as the world measures such things, but Uncle Elmer was obviously influential. Let’s all be like him, each in our own way.

How do you think we can be more deeply influential in the lives of those around us?


Posted in family, marriage, parenting, personal development, relationships, trust | 8 Comments »

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03/02/2011

Whatever Grates Your Cheese: 3 Ways to Become More Emotionally Resourceful

by John

“Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.”  Anonymous

I made myself a salad last year (I do it at least once every year whether I need to or not). On top of a bed of fresh spinach leaves, I sprinkled a few vegetable bits, some tiny pieces of dried fruit and some chopped pecans. I love that hint of nuttiness in my salad, don’t you? (smile)

As I searched for my favorite vinaigrette, I found something in the refrigerator that I had to have on my salad – a perfect little chunk of cheddar cheese. Of course, I couldn’t just throw a single chunk of cheese on my salad. I’d have to grate it first. I wondered to myself, “Where’s that cheese grater?”

I started looking through the kitchen drawers and cupboards, but I didn’t find it right away. As I searched, I imagined my salad with those little bits of cheesy goodness spread over the top. I eventually came to a drawer with a grater inside, but it wasn’t exactly what I had imagined.

It was tiny. I could hold it in the palm of my hand. I wondered what this thing was doing in the big people kitchen. It looked like it belonged to a doll. It was the smallest grater I had ever seen, but it would have to do. My chunk of cheese wasn’t that big anyway.

The little grater worked perfectly, and helped me add a nice touch to the best salad I had eaten in over a year. After lunch, I quickly rinsed off the grater and left it sitting next to the kitchen sink.

Later that afternoon, my wife went to the sink and washed the dishes. Before she began, she held up the little grater and asked, “Did you use this for cheese?”

I responded, “Yep, it worked great. I’m sure glad I found it.”

She laughed and said, “This is for little things like garlic, ginger and lemon zest.”

I admit that I was surprised that such specialized kitchen devices had actually been invented. As I pondered my wife’s slightly stunning revelation, she opened a cupboard above the kitchen sink and pointed to a cheese grater sitting at eye level and in clear sight. Go figure.

Now, what does that have to do with our emotions? Literally, very little. Figuratively, a lot. Let me explain.

1. Just Let Happiness Happen

Let’s say that happiness is like the cheese sprinkled all over our salad. It’s that finishing touch that pulls the rest of our lives together. We don’t necessarily want one big chunk of happiness all at once, especially if it means that we’ll never taste it again (OK, maybe an occasional chunk of it would be nice). What we really want is for happiness to flavor every aspect of our lives. We want to taste at least a little bit of it in every bite.

On the day I made my salad, I didn’t really care how my cheese was grated. I just wanted the finished product. If I had demanded that my cheese be grated with a cheese grater, I would have either settled for no cheese at all or eaten the whole chunk at once. Part of my lunch would have been too cheesy and the other part cheese-less. And, that is entirely unacceptable! (just kidding)

One of the secrets of finding happiness is to simply let it happen without forcing it. Happiness is always happening without any help from you or me. All we have to do is accept it. It can only get inside us if we’re willing to let it in, no matter how or when it shows up.

When we’re in too much of a hurry to find happiness, or we try to force it, it will remain elusive. Happiness rarely comes to those who demand their version of it this very instant. It comes, instead, to those who see the perfection in otherwise imperfect things and recognize truth and beauty in even the most difficult times. How many reasons to be happy do we pass over in search of the perfect one? If we really want to be happy, we need to stop demanding that happiness be delivered in perfect packages according to our predetermined schedule.

2. Look for Ways to Expand Happiness

We really are better at being happy than we imagine while we’re miserable. When we learn to look past the imperfections on the surface of things, we discover all the reasons to be joyful everywhere we go and all the time.

There are a variety of inner tools available to us for spreading happiness all over our lives. Gratitude, simplicity, awareness, creativity, and passion are just a few of our innate abilities for finding happiness in every bite. If one doesn’t work, another will. If I hadn’t found that garlic grater, I probably would have just sliced up my cheese into little pieces with a knife or crumbled it delicately with my fingers.

If we’re true to our pure desire for it, we’ll eventually rediscover the inner resources that make consistent happiness possible. Even when an answer comes in an unexpected way, accept it. I wasn’t looking for a garlic grater, but I used it anyway. I didn’t know that I was supposed to be disappointed that it wasn’t designed to grate cheese. It turned out to be the perfect tool for my little chunk. It was no big deal that I didn’t find exactly what I was looking for. In the end, I found what I wanted.

3. Love Whatever Comes into Your Life

Another key to consistent and prolonged happiness is to welcome it in without being overly concerned about the clothes it wears or its choice of words. I can’t think of anything in my life that’s perfect in absolutely every way or at absolutely all times (Can you?), but I can think of thousands of things that I love, and I know that you can too.

To the extent that we choose to love whatever comes into our lives, whatever comes into our lives is perfect. None of us may have a perfect spouse, perfect children, a perfect boss, perfect friends, a perfect house, a perfect car, perfect weather, perfect blah blah blah, but when we choose to love the people and things in our lives, we’re rarely disappointed and never dismayed. Even our pain can be perfect if it helps us change for the better.

Even if I had never found my chunk of cheese in the first place, I was still free to simply savor my salad without any cheese at all. Those who find a taste of perfection in every imperfect bite, the emotionally resourceful people we most admire, are almost always happy. And, even when happy feelings are elusive to them, they’re still fulfilled. In our literal lives, fulfillment is not found in the cheese, and that’s OK. Even without the cheese, we can still enjoy the nuts.

What are some of the imperfect things in your life that you love?

Where do you find perfection in an imperfect world?

How have you learned to be emotionally resourceful?

Note: A version of this post was published previously at MisterMaguru.com by Dr. John C. Brailsford.

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02/28/2011

Barking at Hot Air Balloons: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Panic

by John

“How much pain they have cost us the evils which have never happened.”   Thomas Jefferson

If I called the police or the fire department every time our dogs barked, I’d overwhelm the local emergency response system all by myself. Our dogs have grown more peaceful over the years, but they still tend to overreact.  I must say that it’s comforting to know that they’ve got our backs.  If there’s ever an actual threat to our safety, whether it’s an imminent earthquake, a smoldering fire or a would-be intruder, I’m sure that we’ll be warned.  Of course, the price we pay for this natural alarm system is that we experience quite a few false alarms.

I’ve noticed that the dogs get particularly worked up over fire works, but those only explode a couple of times per year.  The thing that seems to push their buttons the most are the hot air balloons we occasionally see on the horizon.  On those cool mornings in the mountains, when those big, brightly-colored globes rise up in the distance, the dogs go crazy as they would if a big guy covered in tattoos and packing heat was standing at our back door.  When the balloons go up, it’s almost impossible to calm them down.

It should come as no surprise that our canine friends are overly sensitive to perceived threats that are really no threat at all.  That’s what watchdogs do, right?  (Let the kidding begin) They let us know when those no-good cars pass by, alert us to those sneaky children playing next door and warns us every time the obviously ill-intentioned pest control guy, postal service worker or door-to-door salesman approaches our front door in broad daylight. Is it possible that a disturbed little lady dressed as a girl scout selling cookies could rob us at gunpoint someday? Of all the things I worry about, that’s just not one of them.

Almost none of the things our dogs bark at are actual threats to us, and so it is with most of the things we worry about too.  As it turns out, we all have an inner watchdog that regularly barks at “girl scouts” and “hot air balloons,” and many of our inner emergency response systems are often overwhelmed as a result.  Every time we worry, part of us feels the urge to fight, flee or freeze in our tracks.  Our overreactions make it harder to function effectively, even though the things we worry about are usually harmless.

Before you worry needlessly and go barking at balloons, let me suggest three questions you might ask yourself first.

#1 – Is this really a threat?

Sometimes, there really are peeping toms in the window and gas leaking from pipes.  It’s a good idea to be aware of our surroundings, but it’s possible to be both alert and at peace at the same time.  If I ever actually call 911, I hope the person responding never has to say, “Sir, please calm down!”  Worry is certainly a waste of time and energy when there’s no threat, and even in an actual crisis, our fears are no longer useful when they go to extremes.

When we take the time, even if it’s just a split second, to ask ourselves if the perceived threat is really worth worrying about, the answer is almost always, “No.”  That honest answer is usually enough to calm us down and return us to our resilient selves.  Even if the answer is, “Maybe,” we can take a few moments to investigate before we reach a final judgment.

If a person is yelling at you in a demeaning or manipulative way, tell them that you’re willing to talk when both of you are calm and leave .  If they’re just frustrated and in the mood to argue, they’re like a hot air balloon.  They may seem threatening, but they’re not. When they’re no longer seen as a threat, hot air balloons are actually fun to watch.  If you let them get close enough, you can actually wave to the riders, and they’ll smile and wave back. Find the truth in what the frustrated person in front of you is saying and let the rest go. Save your worry for a true emergency. If someone actually becomes physically aggressive or violent, go ahead and call 911.

#2 – Will barking make it go away?

Some perceived threats may actually be good for us.  If we give in to fear every time we feel it, we may miss important opportunities to turn our lives around.  It may be that those attempting to teach us have a point. It may also be that they’re simply being controlling and manipulative.  If so, what’s the harm in hearing them out anyway?  That which we initially fear may be exactly what we need in the end.  If not, it at least gives us a chance to hear where the other person is coming from and clarify our own perspective. Barking may scare away the bad guys, but it can also create distance between us and our true friends.

Even when our hot air balloons are truly harmful to our well-being, barking doesn’t make them go away any faster. Even if there’s something in our lives that truly needs to change, worrying rarely helps.  When I ask parents with troubled teenagers, or spouses in troubled marriages, what they do to improve things, they often talk about how they reject or lecture, beg or threaten, sob or shout at their loved ones.  When I ask them how effective their approach has been, they invariably say, “Not very.”  When I ask them what they intend to do next, they usually say that they’re going to do more of the same, only with more gusto. That’s when I usually ask, “Are you sure about that?”

In times of crisis, our natural instincts can help us stay focused, but they can also distract us if we let them go to extremes.  Even in actual emergencies, let fear move you to appropriate action without getting carried away.

#3 – What else can I do?

The short answer to this question is, “Be at peace.”  There are thousands of things we can do to face life’s challenges more effectively, but what we do is not as important as who we are when we do it.  When you’re temporarily lost in the face of life’s imaginary threats, clear your mind (meditation), fill your lungs (movement), and open your heart (magnanimity).  As soon as you find peace inside, whatever you say or do on the outside will be fine.

Our dogs have learned to relax more in the presence of harmless people and things lately, but they still burst out barking at the back door from time to time.  When they do, it’s usually another hot air balloon.  Is it annoying?  I actually think it’s funny now and comforting to know that the dogs are still looking out for us.  I just reassure them that everything’s fine.  I want them to know that they’ll never be punished for doing her job.  In case any real threats eventually show up, I want them ready and willing to do what comes naturally to them.  The same can be said for that watchdog in all of us, that part of us that worries so much.  Be grateful for it.  Learn to laugh with it when it overreacts and let go of the worry most of the time, but keep it around for those times when it’s truly needed.

What or who are the hot air balloons you bark at most?

What have you done to make them go away?

How has that worked for you?

What can you do instead?

Let me know.

Note: A version of this post was published previously at MisterMaguru.com by Dr. John C. Brailsford.

Posted in family, marriage, parenting, peace, personal development, relationships, wisdom | Leave a Comment »

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02/11/2011

On Being and Doing: How to Get the Way You Live to Flow from Who You Are

by John

Who are you really?

When we want to get to know others, what do we usually ask? That’s right. We ask them what they do. It’s so convenient to categorize people by their careers, hobbies and their roles in the lives of others. When people ask me to introduce myself, I usually review the same list. I’m a husband and father, a son and brother, a therapist, a speaker, a storyteller and a writer.

How about you? What do you do for a living? Great! (awkward silence) We still don’t really know each other, do we? That’s because what we “do” is rarely a complete, or even accurate, representation of who we “are.” I truly believe that who we are is much better than what we usually do, and we are much more powerful, loving and mentally sound when our lives more accurately represent who we really are.

3 Steps to Being Yourself

Here are three ways you can encourage the real you to more consistently determine the way you live:

1. Accept the person you are now. Acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses. Give yourself some credit for the goodness of your life. Forgive yourself for the times when you have gotten off track. Honestly assess how you’re living every day. Is that the way you really want to go through life? Do the things you do accurately represent who you are? If so, keep walking that path in that way. If not, nurture the intention to change course, or to at least improve the way you move through life.

2. Catch a clear vision of the person you want to be. Think of yourself in terms of your values. What qualities do you see in yourself when you’re at your best? What do admire most in others? Write down a few words that represent the personal attributes you value most, things like kindness, humility, peace, courage or joy. Choose words that best describe who you really are, or the kind of person you can become, rather than what you do or what you have done.

3. Let go of the actions (things you do) that don’t reflect the best in you (who you are), and start doing more of the things that do. What you have done is not necessarily who you have to be, but living an authentic life doesn’t mean that you have to find a new job, write a novel or open a bed and breakfast (though a big change like that might be right for you). What you decide to do isn’t as important as how you decide to do it.

Before you file for divorce, buy a farm or join the circus, consider more authentic ways to do what you’re already doing. Choose to change the quality of your own actions before you start changing anything else. Decide right now to do the same old stuff in a whole new way. Let the way you live break free from the painful past and embrace the greatness you’re capable of. Now is the time to openly express the divine perfection that has been inside you all along.

This post is written as I begin a new chapter in my own life. I sincerely hope it helps you do the same.

Let me know how it goes for you.

Posted in integrity, personal development | Leave a Comment »

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